Peopleofwalmart.com will make hypocrites of us all.

I am a hypocrite. In many ways, this is fact. I am not going to bore you with all of the ways...but I will tell you why this is relevant in my life today. I have 4 kids. The oldest is 7. Any person who has endured at least seven years of child rearing already knows the ill behaviors that are natural to children. As a mother, I do my best to curb the farting and poop jokes. I catch newly learned phrases and words that are inappropriate and

explain why they are not used in our home. It is my job to teach them these

things.

Most of the time, my family and friends get a healthy belly laugh when I recount the absurdities that my children make me endure. My hubby and I write down these things. Someday, when I am no longer accountable for their behavior, I am going to show my kids all the crazy stuff they said and did. I imagine we will laugh a lot. I know we will laugh a lot. I know

this because my kids are like me. The stuff they say-that I tell them not to-is the stuff I say in my head. It's like they are reading my mind. And the poop jokes are hilarious.

Over the years, I have become a master at masking my amusement. It makes me wonder what things my parents found entertaining as I grew. During my junior high school years, I was sent away from the dinner table every night for my behavior. This is no exaggeration....ask my mom. My mom, whom I never heard curse, purposely, until I was 27 years old. Is it possible that she had been cursing in her head, instead of out loud, the prior 26 years, in order to prevent my use of such profanity? If so, I am just like her.

I recall catching my father smirk or even laugh out loud (LOL) at some

thing I KNOW I should not have said or done. And, I am sure, my kids catch me doing the same. So, I am obviously a hypocrite.

The suddenly popular website peopleofwalmart.com, is the ultimate test of how well we can mask our hypocrisy. It is humanly impossible not to get sucked in by pictures of scuba divers, muscle men in Speedos,

and old

ladies with pink hair walking around with a grocery cart. Honestly, who hasn't gone to Walmart looking terrible? It's not like you're going to the Blue Bar at the Algonquin Hotel in Manhattan. It would be a bold lie to deny my multiple ventures to Walmart, sans bra, in white stretchy pants. I don't understand why Internet surfers are so shocked by the appearance of (us)Walmart patrons. People spotlighted on the website even pose for the pictures because they are aware of how ridiculous they look.

Just cuz he looks cute at the grocery store, doesn't mean I do!

There are pictures that just make me sad.

I doubt a balding woman or an extremely heavy man, wearing ill fit clothes, wants a cell phone snap shot of her/him placed on the Internet. They aren't playing dress up and they probably didn't give consent for someone hiding beh

ind the bread isle, to take a picture of them from behind. Such behavior is not like farting at the dinner table. It's not really funny, or nice. Farting at the dinner table is funny. It is rude, but still funny.

I can't expect my kids not to giggle at the Square dancing Walmart couple. I wouldn't blame them for staring. I can imagine my Camille wanting to know how old she must be to get one of those square dancing dresses. And, deep inside I w

ould be wondering the same thing....."How old do I have to be before I can get one of those dresses?"

I am hopeful that I never hear my kids poke at someone less fortunate than they are, or even someone who is more fortunate than they are. Should I ever catch them, I REALLY hope I am not thinking the same thing. After all; I am a hypocrite.

Now, that's funny!

Toilet Intrigue

My Henry is disgustingly interested in the toilet. Should anyone leave the door open to the bathroom, he gets there in record time. Sometimes, I don't even know he is in there until I hear the splashing. Gross, right? Yes, it is gross. Gross, to you and me. We know the purpose of the toilet. But imagine being 2 ½ feet tall. The things at eye level are not that interesting. What do you see? Baseboards and ankles. On some occasion, one might get lucky and find an old fruit snack dropped by an older sibling. Fruit snacks are exciting. They have colors and flavors, unlike those boring doorstops and stool legs.

The draw to the bathroom makes perfect sense when I put myself in his little shoes….well feet, he doesn't really wear shoes. And he has chubby feet. So, when I put myself in Henry's dimpled feet, I can understand why the bathroom is so alluring. You crawl in and the walls have TILE, Whoa. If you make any noise it echoes. The tub is perfect to pull oneself up from the floor, to get a better look around. A plunger, a toilet bowl brush….so fascinating compared to the Matchbox cars in the living room….already tasted them. And don't even get me started on the toilet paper! AWESOME! It's amazing how something so white and clean can make such a mess! And if you get it wet, it sticks to everything. Most of the time, there is at least a little bit of water close by. Could this count as a crude form of paper mache? Could putting a stop to this activity stifle my child's creativity? He could be the next Michelangelo, Salvador Dali, or Charmin Ultra cartoon artist.

The coolest part about the bathroom is the toilet-no doubt. It always has water in it. It can always make splashing noises. Everyone thinks a 2.5 footer is adorable when they splash around in the tub. So imagine being that 2.5 footer and trying to understand why it is wrong to splash around in the toilet. Why isn't THAT cute? It's just as fun as the tub, and you can get your clothes wet while they are ON. The toilet is popular with everyone in the house. Someone is always playing with it. Sometimes, two or more people race to see who can get there first. Why should a 10 month old be any different from anyone else? Well, mine isn't. The minute that door opens, he books it! The determined look in his eye says it all, "I'm gonna get there, and I'm gonna splash in it before anyone can stop me! I will succeed."

The human need to use the bathroom is undeniable. Just because someone is in Huggies doesn't mean we can expect them to resist the draw of the water closet. Please, don't misunderstand my stance on the subject. I now clearly declare-PLAYING IN THE TOILET IS YUCKY. I'm just saying the bathroom is hard for anyone to ignore. So, as parents, we can put ourselves in the fat feet of our crawling offspring and have a little compassion for the vertically challenged. There is no way to teach a baby not to splash in the toilet. We can just keep the door closed (if possible) and double flush as a courtesy (no floaters).

The bathroom: A toddler's in home, theme park.